Father

Usually sitting still drives me nuts.  Yet for some reason right now it doesn’t bother me.  Maybe it’s because I have so much on my mind.  I try to make sense of all the thoughts running through my head.  Maybe if I write them down I’ll be able to make sense of it all.  I move from where I had been sitting on my bed and, with a sigh, head to my desk.  Sitting down I take out a piece of paper and grab a pen.  For a moment I stare at the paper.  Then I start writing.

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I hate it.  I hate what he’s doing.  What he believes in.  I hate what he did to Wanda.  Despite all that I can’t hate him.  Despite all that I follow him and do as he tells me.  And for what reason?  His approval.  My whole life that’s all I’ve longed for.  All I’ve ever wanted.  But I’ve never gotten it.  For some reason I’m not good enough for him.  For some reason I can’t do anything right in his eyes.  What have I done wrong?  What can I do to gain your approval?  Can’t you see that all I’ve done in life has been for you?  What do I have to do?  What do I have to do to make you see me as more than just another mutant fighting for your cause?  What do I have to do make you see me as your son?

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All of a sudden the writing starts to get smudged.  I look down and see that the paper I had been writing on is getting wet.  My fingertips go to my face and I feel the tears on my cheeks.  I’m crying.  This can’t be happening.  But it is.  I let eth pen fall from hand as I stand.  I run from my room and out of the house.  I have to regain control.  I keep running.

Father you’re the only one who could do this to me.